Where the Buck Stops in Marriage

In talking about the marriage relationship, it is always helpful to remember that the husband is to model Christ's love for the church while the wife models the church's submission to Christ. But who acted first? Christ did. Just as the man takes the lead in pursuing and proposing to his bride, Christ acted first to save sinners and bring them into His church as his bride. Luke 19:10 says, "For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which is lost." While we were yet sinners Christ pursued us. He loved us before we even thought of loving Him. 1st john 4:19 tells us, "We love Him because He first loved us." That's the pattern Jesus set with His own bride, the church. It is still the pattern that we as husbands are to model.

But isn't there a moral in that? Husbands, if you are the head of the home, and you are the one God has placed in authority, there is responsibility in that. You will also be the one God holds responsible. So you need to act like Christ first, whether or not your wife has submitted to you. You need to one who starts this. You can't wait for your wife to act the way she is supposed to - not if you are the leader in the relationship. She was designed to respond to you, remember? Not the other way around. And if you aren't being obedient to God in this, why on earth would you expect her to be? You have to take the lead.

But if you do love your wife the way Christ did, most wives will respond. They will return your love. They will serve you in return. It's in their created nature. What wife wouldn't respond to love and service? What wife wouldn't respond to a husband like that - a husband who loved her sacrificially? This is the one woman you have chosen out of all the women in the world to be yours, whom you have promised to love, honor, and cherish. Why wouldn't she respond to you if you actually did that?

But the key is this. You, husband, must give yourself away first to meet the needs of your spouse. That's what makes this work. You have made a covenant with your wife. You are no longer your own. You have given yourself away to her. And you must act first.

I want you to look at 1st Corinthians 7:3-5. It is a passage that speaks primarily about our sexual relationship with our wife, but it does make the point about giving ourselves away. It says,

"Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Do you see this? We don't own ourselves. We have given ourselves away. Even our affection is the property of our spouse.

But instead of that being an enslaving concept, it should be a freeing concept, as each gives himself or herself away to the other with total abandon. The whole concept, even in regard to our sexual relations with out spouse, is all about giving instead of getting. Each is concerned with giving the other affection and plasure, not worrying about your own need; only wanting to satisfy the need of the other. But the husband must act first. He is the one who is responsible.