Taking Down the Battle Lines of Marriage

100%, that's what is required, not 50%. We said it takes 100% commitment to make a marriage work. Marriage works best when each spouse gives all of themselves to the other; they give their lives to serve and sacrifice for the other. What doesn't work is keeping score to see that they have maintained their 50% share.

Think about it. Aren't most fights really about control? We fight over who controls the money. we fight over whose pet project the money gets spent on. We fight over whose time is more valuable. Why do we always feel the need to fight for our rights? Dan Allendar and Tremper Longman write:

"The typical fight over who ought to pick up the kids usually is about whose time is more valuable, who works the hardest, and who is least appreciated. It is not wrong to alternate chores or divvy up responsibilities, but the hurtful interactions usually reflect drawing battle lines over more petty matters."

Those fights happen because we feel we have to keep score.

Why do we do that? Why can't we obey the command of God to submit? Why can't we obey the command to give ourselves away to our spouse? Philippians 2:23-4, a section of Scripture I refer to over and over, says,

"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."

Why are we so quick to fight for our own rights, while God tells us, no, commands us, to look out for the rights of others? Why - especially with this one special person, our spouse, that we have chosen out of all the people in the world to covenantally commit our lives to serving - why would we feel the need to keep score? God says give your life away. Give it to your spouse. Give it without reservation. Yes, you might be hurt and hurt badly. Yes, there is a risk in this that your spouse may not reciprocate. But that's the only way you will ever achieve true joy in your marriage.

Jesus, of course, set the example. In Romans 5:8 it says, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Jesus willingly died for us - for you, for me - even while we were still still sinners; still His enemies. Christ died for us before we could even partially reciprocate. Yet, for us, He gave His all.

But because of that, He can demand our all. Look at what Jesus said in Matthew 16:24-26:

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?'"

If we want to be Christ's disciples, He requires our total commitment. Following Jesus requires our all. It requires denying ourselves. following Jesus requires we give Him our very lives. So if God asks a wife to submit to her husband, or if God asks a husband to sacrificially love his wife, that should be a simple matter. It should be a way we can serve God.