Giving it Up to Gain it All

Field Marshal Montgomery, one of the heroes of WWII, told his young troops, "Gentlemen, don't even think of marriage until you've mastered the art of warfare." Now that sounds funny, but it is really tragic because it is way too true. Way too many couples have made marriage a war with a continual battle over who is in charge or who is getting the most until one of the parties gives up and files for divorce. But that's not necessary. Neither fighting nor divorce are necessary because there is an answer. The answer is found in the pages of Scripture.

As most of you know who have been reading this blog for awhile, I have made a pretty outrageous guarantee. I've stated that if both the husband and the wife will obey the commands of Ephesians 5; that is that the wife is to "submit to [her] own husband, as to the Lord;" and the husband is to "love [his wife] just as Christ also loved the church;" - that if both of them did that, there would never be trouble within their relationship. The problem only comes when one or the other violates these commands. Trouble comes when one or the other says, "No way! I won't submit. I have my rights," Then the fight is on.

When I told someone that, they responded, "Wait a minute. What's the deal? You've told the wives they have to submit to their husbands, and you've told the husbands that they have to submit to their wives. How can that ever work? How can that ever equal 50:50:? You make it sound like we are both supposed to give 100%." And then, it was as if the light went on. "Oh, that's it! Yes! That's it! We are both supposed to give 100%, right?" Right! Without keeping score!

Whoever thought up this 50:50 concept anyway? You never read that in the pages of Scripture. I think that's a lie that Satan has duped us with, and we've bought it hook, line, and sinker - with disastrous consequences. Because of buying into that lie, we've been keeping score and fighting over every perceived inequality.

Both the husband and the wife must give 100%. There isn't any keeping score in their relationship. Both give themselves over completely to the other. Both become completely responsible for the needs and the well being of the other. The result is that each of them have their own needs met, and the marriage becomes the beautiful and mutually fulfilling relationship that God intended.

With a 50:50 relationship, there is continual keeping score. "You did the dishes tonight and I took out the trash, that makes us even on that. But I watched the kids for twenty minutes more than you did today, so you owe me for that. And you didn't have time for me tonight because you went out bowling with the boys, so don't even think you're going to get cuddly with me tonight." Ah 50:50 - that's a sure way to get into a fight. But that's the way most people want to run their marriage.

But if you each give 100% what happens? No longer do you have to worry about your own needs and wants being met. You only worry about meeting the needs of your spouse. But since your spouse doesn't have to worry about their own needs (since you are covering that), they can worry about meeting your needs. This is mutually freeing and mutually fulfilling. No longer do you need to fight. Now you can live as God intended within your marriage.