Being a Respectful Wife

Last time,we talked about what respect really means in the context of a husband and wife. We said that it didn't mean that she should sit quietly by without ever offering her input or sharing her feelings, even when they ran counter to those of her husband. But when a wife needs to talk turkey with her husband, she should do so with utmost respect and courtesy. Obviously if a wife does, her husband is a whole lot more likely to listen. But also, in the context of the type we have talked about so often, the wife represents the church. The church must always be respectful to Christ. The word respect is translated as reverence in the Old king James, and it is often used in Scripture for the fear of the Lord or for godly reverence toward Him. It's a good word to describe the godly attitude of a Christian wife.

But in the context of the marriage, where two very human people are partnering to raise a family and make a life together, the wife often has to disagree with her husband. She is his helpmeet, after all, and needs to help him through the times he gets things wrong. She must learn to state her opinions, sometimes several times. A helper doesn't remain silent. But she doesn't disrespect her husband or his authority. The two can go together.

Certainly, there are enough verses that talk about a wife who disrespects her husband. Some of them are quite comical, except to the husband in that situation where the wife picks, picks, picks at everything he does. Let me quote a couple of them. Proverbs 21:9 says, "Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman." Then there is proverbs 21:19 which says, "Better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman."

You get the idea. This kind of woman can make her home a living hell on earth. It's no wonder that a man married to her never wants to be home. Who could blame him? Hanging out at the bowling alley or down at the local bar probably seems like heaven by comparison. How much better for the wife to accomplish her role as helper in a respectful manner. This is the whole point of Proverbs 12:4, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." Nothing brings a man more shame than to be ridiculed and belittled in public by his wife. Proverbs 14:1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands." Or, could we say, with her mouth? or with her looks of disgust? How much better to build up your husband with words that are respectful and encouraging? In so doing, she will build her house.

One more passage. Proverbs 31:10-12 says,

"Who can find a virtuous wife? Her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

She would build him, not tear him down. Do him good and not evil.

Why does a wife's love and respect turn into contempt? She starts off standing at the altar thinking only of love, waiting breathlessly to make her life with the man of her dreams - her knight in shining armor - only to find out that he is all too human. He thinks the garbage can should be kept in the kitchen, instead of the laundry room like your family always did. Or maybe he don't ever think to take out the garbage at all, because in his family his mother always did it. "How can he not know it's the man's job?" you think. And then he snores and keeps you awake all night. Love can quickly turn into contempt. Of course, just plain old familiarity can breed contempt. But as Francis De Sales wrote, "Have contempt on contempt."

Do you know what? It works both ways. He is finding out the same kinds of things about you. It would be so easy for both of you to disrespect each other. And quite frankly, you've both probably earned your share of disrespect. I certainly have. But is that what God would want? Look at taking the plank out of your own eye before you worry about the speck in your spouse's eye.

William law wrote back in the 18th Century:

"No one is of the Spirit of Christ but he that has the utmost compassion for sinners. Nor is there any greater sign of our own perfection than you find yourself all love and compassion toward them that are very weak and defective. And on the other hand you have never less reason to be pleased with yourself than when you find yourself most angry and offended by the behavior of others."

Law is saying that if my respect changes into contempt, it is because I am weak, not because my spouse is failing. Rather than contempt, we need understanding. Rather than focus on their failings, we would be better served to focus on our own failings, and work to correct them. As C. J. Mahaney says, "We can be thankful for our fellow sinners when we spend more time looking for evidence of grace than we do in finding fault."

Now a word to husband. Certainly every husband wants to be respected. But wouldn't it be better for you to concentrate on how you can earn that respect than worry about why your spouse isn't giving it to you? So many men who legitimately desire to be respected, when that desire isn't met, tend to retaliate. Rather than working to build their life so that they can earn respect, they try to tear down their spouse in the same way they feel torn down. That never works. You can never earn respect by tearing down another person. Be the man you should be and see if your wife doesn't respond with respect. Remember, a Christian marriage is characterized by giving, not getting.